As a foreigner living on your fair shores and with English cricket needing a fresh injection of flamboyance and exuberance in its style of play and general batting ideology, I have taken it upon myself to embark on a journey that will culminate on myself coaching the senior men’s England cricket team. Having written to my personal friend “Straussy” offering my services we sat down for a coffee at a swanky Chelsea café and he informed me that while most on the ECB board saw me as a natural choice others thought it might be a good idea for me to first gain my coaching qualifications starting with my ECB level 2 coaching certificate.
In a process that makes qualification for the S.A.S look like stroll around the windmill I have attended my first clinic. To my amazement no one on the course had heard of me (obviously not true cricket officianados) and I have 2 more clinics to attend, 6 observed sessions and 2 assessed practices. The sessions must be done in a team/club environment of those of basic to enhanced abilities, so you must all try very hard to trick the assessor into thinking that this is what you are! So having trawled through the many offers of teams across the country you’ll be pleased to know I have bestowed Deddington Cricket Club the immense honour of having me coach you in these sessions. The six sessions will have Symmo from Bodicote observe me (no doubt he’ll see my class in the first session and sign all the other sessions off on the spot) and an ECB assessor will come and assess me coach the might of Deddington CC.
I will warn you in saying I run a pretty tight ship in my coaching sessions and yes we will actually have to warm up and warm down so you might have to actually do a little running. All will be required to wear tight white lycra bike pants and tight white vests. Amazingly the ECB frown upon smoking and the consumption of any alcohol during the assessed sessions so if we could break this habit for 2 sessions that would be nice. Matty Teare you have to keep your shirt on and not bat in bare feet please, Rosey no tampering with the bowling machine and revving it up to 99mph aimed at the batsmans head please, Goward if you could please refrain from yelling out “6 or sticks” to every ball bowled to you, Shadbolt no tinder and general ogling of girls on internet dating websites during the session would be appreciated, Ollie you must be sober for the duration, No mid practice Chinese meal please Daire, no one is allowed to scarper half way through to the Chinese next door thank you, no wild slogging into the car park either as you might scupper my chances if you hit the assessors car. I also will need you to call me “Sir” for the duration (might be a nice way to address me permanently).
If we could also refrain from that silly competition of trying to hit the club house while batting in the nets might also be nice. I will be coaching proper cricket skills so basically if we could all do the opposite to everything we normally do in nets I might have a chance! Having said all this I will let you know when the sessions are in the summer so you can all mentally prepare yourself for my tutelage. I have decided not to charge any of you or the club so I shall be doing it “gratis” but in years to come there may be a fee involved (I might be busy coaching county players so it is likely to be a steep charge). You can all thank me later as I know that you know you are all in for some of the best experiences of your lives thanks to me.
Yours in cricket
Gerry”G Mac” Duncan